


you keep getting burned

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Friendship, Deep Talks(tm), Emotional Abuse, Healing from trauma, M/M, PTSD, Sexual Harassment, Trans Connor, Trans Evan, Trans Jared, connor bashing, emotionally abutsive friendship, evan has cptsd from c o N N O R, idk what to call it, ig, im not sorry, im so sad.., me?projecrinh onto evan for a changr? yep!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15214499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: Evan has ptsd from an event with a certain Connor Murphy. Jared is there to help.





	you keep getting burned

**Author's Note:**

> uh connor's The Villain of this story the back button is right there jsyk. tw for sexual assault/harassment; emotional abuse; suicide, eating disorder, and self harm alluded to in a kinda joking way

Evan pulled back from the kiss suddenly, breath hitching in a way Jared knew wasn't good.

"Babe, I'm sorry, wh-what's wrong?"

Evan buried his face in Jared's hair instead of answering, wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy. Jared could feel his chest heaving.   
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean to--"

Evan cut him off with a finger on his lips. "No, it's okay, you did nothing wrong."

"I'm so-"

Evan broke him off with another kiss. "No, I'm sorry," he said. "It's just... I told you I, um, I knew Connor."

"Yeah?" Jared questioned, confused, squinting through the darkness of the closet they'd been making out in. What did Connor have to do with this?

"I, um, I left a bit out. I knew him before he came out as trans, in eighth grade. We were best friends that whole year. Or, uh, I was his best friend, he was a heavily emotionally unstable boy who wouldn't leave me alone." Evan sighed, like he was remembering something. He slid down the wall and curled up inside himself. Jared joined him, intertwining his fingers with his boyfriend's.

"A couple months into our friendship... he'd always been weirdly obsessed with me, um, he'd throw fits if I wasn't around him all the time. He was identifying as agender for a good portion of the year and would flip shit if I called him his deadname rather than Ronny by accident, but he was still deadnaming me all the time. And this was right before I started T. He knew. He only knew my deadname because it was still on the roster. Literally everyone called me Evan except him. Anyway, um, it was a super toxic emotionally abusive relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it but um, that's not why I, um, brought it up."

Jared knew Evan needed a moment to collect himself and stayed quiet, no matter how much he was bursting to ask questions.

"He, um, we were out in the hall during lunch, because he wanted me to? And, um, I couldn't say no... um, we went into the hall and he told me, um, that, that my shirt made me look sexy or something, and he, um, I kind of just nodded like yeah okay sure. But there was no way anyone would see? The teachers were all having lunch and we were alone. And he started to tell me, um, he pushed me up against one of the lockers, like, to talk to me, but he was blocking the way out of the situation, y'know? And he was telling me, like, 'I think about you when, when I jerk off' and stuff like that but he went, he went way too far into detail and I. I was so scared? And he kept making jokes about kissing me or actually trying to do what, what he was imagining apparently, and I was trapped but he didn't but he could have so easily and that scares me so fucking much. I'm still so scared. Sometimes I really feel like I'm back in that hallway and I can't escape no matter what I do and I'm not in control so I climb a tree or starve myself or slit my wrists or whatever makes me feel good that week and I'm... I don't know but the memory just resurfaced in full and Jare I'm scared."

"I'm so sorry," Jared whispered. "If he wasn't dead, I'd kill him so much he'd die."

"Generally what happens when you kill someone, yeah," Evan smiled softly, but Jared could see the fear and the hurt and the trauma in his eyes. It was the kind of dark look he hadn't seen in the other boy's eyes since he tried to kill himself at the beginning of the year.

"And sometimes I feel like, y'know, it was so stupid and I'm overreacting and it could have been so much worse so why don't I just shut up about it? I mean I've never talked about it before but I should shut up about it because it doesn't matter and I shouldn't tell and why don't I just shut up already?"

"Baby," Jared whispered. He pulled his boyfriend into his lap, nevermind the fact that the other boy was over a foot taller than him. "No, babe. It wasn't your fault and it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be traumatised because what happened to you was traumatic."

"I just don't feel like it was enough. To traumatise me, I mean."

Jared cleared his throat, mind racing, trying to come up with the right response. "Trauma... it affects people in different ways. What barely hurts one person can cause another person to try to kill themselves. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong to be able to live through this. And you have, and you will. Because at the end of the day, Connor doesn't fucking matter. Because you're still the smart, brave, beautiful, amazing Evan Hansen who stole my heart in seventh grade and never gave it back."

"God, I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Evan turned around in Jared's lap and kissed him, cupping his face in his hands. "So much. I love you so, so much."

"I know."

Evan snorted. "Oh, shut up," he smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> hm. im sad. find me on tumblr during the school year @dont-the-tears-just-pour or reddit on sundays u/nikolas-heck


End file.
